Falling in Love with Myself (2)
Image by Sina Drakhshani
Falling in love with myself has been a multi-year, multi-step process. I am not only ok with that, I am grateful for it. The most magical part of the experience thus far has been my commitment to slow and gentle movement filled with breath and ease. These days I feel supported, like I am in a long, deep loving embrace. Not only is it easier for my nervous system to relax, but I now sense when my fears are present. I can feel my subtle body as it begins its preparations to protect and fight. Prior to this, I spent most of my time under a tightly woven blanket of stress with no idea! Now because I spend so much time in grace and softness, it has become easier to distinguish the difference. When I start moving faster and forcefully, I find myself retreating, projecting on others, and no longer taking responsibility. I know my desire to move fast is in response to discomfort. Facing your shadows, and seeing yourself clearly through your relationships with others can be a deeply uncomfortable, fiery experience requiring radical honesty with yourself as well as deep faith in the process. It’s challenging and deserves to take as long as it takes.
Now I am keenly aware of how each person’s path is unique to them, but I have benefited greatly from seeing someone else’s process, so I will make an attempt from here to go even deeper with a very specific example of how this work has moved me.
Side Note: Before I dive in I want to take a moment to pause and share that I often utilize language from The Gene Keys as a methodology for self-exploration. The Gene Keys presents a synthesis of archetypal wisdom inspired from multiple ancient texts that deeply resonates with me so it is one of my tools for sharing and discovering. It is absolutely ok if you are unfamiliar with that book because I make every attempt to write from my heart (with as little jargon as I can). However, if you are interested in exploring the depths of self-empowerment, I found this system and its corresponding book to be an incredible resource. Archetypal wisdom is something many of us resonate with.
Along my path, I have spent much time contemplating the Core Wound Sphere of my Gene Keys profile - Gene Key 19 - which flows from the Shadow of Codependence to the Gift of Sensitivity. As I deepened into my journey of self-love, I had a felt sense it was nearing time to engage with the Shadow of Codependence. After all, I believe that within the shadows lie the secret codes to our unfolding. So into Codependence it was time for me to courageously go.
At first, even reading the word and contemplating it in relation to me, I could feel my body recoiling. Codependence. Nope, NOT me! Quite the strong reaction, yes? But instead of backing away, I got curious. Codependence. My body started quaking. Still I remained open. Steady. Breathing. Remembering that contemplation wasn’t going to kill me. I softened even further. Trusting that this was my path. That I could go into this shadow and into the void. So I took another breath and started reading about codependency, and the lightning bolt struck, and I knew immediately why my body had recoiled. It had acknowledged before my mind, that I was and had been for most of my life, Codependent. And through my mind’s admission, my body finally released, and I wept.
A few days later, I realized by accepting the shadow of Codependence and allowing its full understanding into my body, I had made the space to look at it with more openness and deeper curiosity. Why was it that I was so Codependent on what others thought of me? This question held so much complexity, but I started with the simple. Well, it’s part of my DNA. See there it is written in my Gene Keys profile based on my astrological birth chart. It’s not personal. What if it’s just a part of me that needs to be owned, accepted, loved and nurtured. What if this shadow is what I have come to heal. What if the shadow is necessary for my gift of Sensitivity? If I want to be Sensitive to others, because in my heart, I know I am, I will need to step through the portal of my fears - the fears that drive my Codependence.
Through my contemplation, I could finally see the invitation. I was already highly attuned to the needs of others, but in order for me to truly witness them, I had to become independent of them. It’s really hard to fully see and hear someone else with your own loud thoughts competing for your attention. It is here I began the separation process. I started seeing all the times I was seeking love and validation from others outside of myself. I had to admit, it was a lot. When did I start outsourcing all my love? What started as an unapproachable chasm of hurt and defiance became my opportunity to alchemize the pain. To turn its lead into gold. By allowing this in, I realized I had spent all of these years desperately trying to be sensitive to others’ needs so they would reciprocate that sensitivity with me. Then I would FINALLY feel worthy of love and support. The next question came fast and hard. Why don’t I just cut out the middle person and be sensitive to my own needs? Afterall, I am the only person who can love and care for me the way I want to be loved and cared for. By embracing the shadow, I transmuted its pain.
There was much deconditioning work throughout the process, but once it began unfolding, it happened fairly rapidly until one day I could finally see myself and what was happening in my relationships with others. And more importantly, I saw a way through it. One where I no longer remained a victim to its pattern, but could take responsibility and change my circumstances. Then I could truly begin my healing process around one of the most repetitively painful experiences of my life.
After this process, I had more capacity to utilize my gift of Sensitivity with others. Yes, I had been sensitive to others before. I could feel their energy and what was happening for them, but I was responding to their energy through my codependent needs. I needed them to love me in order to feel safe working with them. This muddied the waters. In response to this agitation, I gave even more of my love and support away. I was sacrificing myself on the altar of their love becoming truly bitter in the process because they were not filling up the void left from my giveaway. Then when they accused me of being overly sensitive, I was crushed. And at that point I was overly sensitive! The conditions were ripe for it, and it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy. They did not know how to give me what I needed, leaving us both deeply at odds and stuck. I had no other way out but through. I needed to offer myself my own love and support rather than giving it all away in the hopes it would be returned. What a breakthrough!
Now, of course, this didn’t happen as fast as you can read this blog post, and it didn’t happen overnight either. :) In truth, some of this I have had to sit with and sit with until one day it sort of clicks into place like those puzzle pieces I mentioned earlier. It honestly doesn’t matter how much time it takes. It takes as long as it takes, but what I can tell you is it requires patience, gentleness, and an ability to listen in order to notice all of the places your shadows emerge, and how it feels in your body when they do.
So now I offer myself love. It’s still a work in progress, but through this path, I have discovered that my gift of Sensitivity is becoming more and more like unconditional love. It is cleaner now. I have separated my needs from others, and my shadow and gift have separated as well. Today I use my gift of Sensitivity to guide others through their own murky depths, helping them become more sensitive to how and when their shadow patterns show up. And I wait until they are ready and choose me to support them.
These resources have been guiding lights on the path to my soul, and have helped me open more fully to my light by falling in love with myself and spreading love and joy into what I thought were the darkest, and most undeserving parts of me. Now I take responsibility for my own healing through my gift of Sensitivity, and this has opened a path of service to others so they see and heal theirs. Please reach out if you are in need of this kind of support. You can find out more about me, my offers, and how I work here. I would love to walk alongside you as you fall in love with yourself.
It is not my intention for this formula to be followed step by step. I believe each of us has our own unique path, but I offer this so we can connect with each other’s journeys, find companionship as we walk, and harvest the fruits we find along the way. And in the end, I hope we all find our way to the quintessence of Gate 19 - Sacrifice. I don’t mean sacrificing ourselves in the way I was sacrificing myself, but instead sacrificing our current systems and what they require of us, and sacrificing our opinions and judgements of ourselves and others. Through this sacrifice may we find the peace and deep unconditional love that we are all searching for and have been since the moment we emerged from the womb, our deep embodied, beautiful space of belonging.
