Falling in Love with Myself (1)
Image by Anthony Intraversato
I suppose I can’t tell you when it happened. Maybe it had always been this way, the moment my ego came online. Or maybe it happened as a slow, gradual descent during my early adolescent years where I was so desperate to belong. Or maybe it happened as I became an “adult” and a people manager and needed other people in order to do my job. All of the above? In the end, I guess it doesn’t really matter when it happened, it only matters that it did.
When I discovered Human Design a few years ago, and read my chart for the first time, it was like a portal opened before me beckoning me to come home - to open my eyes and heart to the magical radiance of me. And it appeared through a breath of permission I hadn’t known I needed. The permission to be completely, authentically me. It drew me in through love and accountability, and told me that despite what life experiences had taught me, I was no less than magical. But how was that possible? That was so far from my truth. The most curious part was how much I scoffed at even the idea of me being magical. Until that day, I hadn’t realized my self-hate went that far. And if it hadn’t been for seeing myself through loving eyes again, I may never have found out.
As I read my human design profile, I became acutely aware of the life experiences where I had been ridiculed or judged harshly in relation to the unique gifts my profile had identified. There were plenty stacked up in the corners of my mind, and I could feel their burden on my heart. I saw the moments where, as a novice, I tried wielding my particular brand of “magic” but did so indiscriminately, often hurting the people I was trying to help. With each aching memory I witnessed the accumulation of vulnerability and pain. I knew I was remembering the moments I had meant to forget; and that even though I seemed “ok”, shame was in my bloodstream. As real and raw as these moments were I became keenly aware there was no mentor alongside, guiding me in the effective use of my magic. For the first time in my life, I felt true compassion and forgiveness - for not yet knowing the art of my abilities and for the deep forgetting of myself and my power. As the final moments flashed before my eyes, I witnessed my growing resilience. I saw each time I got up, dusted off, held my head high, and tried over and over again. I observed the expansion of my strength, courage, integrity AND my skill set. I may not have known my true power then but I became powerful in my truth nonetheless.
And now a key was finally in my hands. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle being put back together - all of the little pieces I carved off or tried to hide in order to fit in were reassembled into a picture that finally made sense to me, and I lit up with deep, embodied knowing. I was visibly shaken. I remember going into a meeting soon after where I tried to be “fine” only to dissolve into tears when the person asked how I was doing. How was I doing? I felt broken open, totally raw, and utterly vulnerable. But most of all I felt truly seen for the first time in my life. Up to this point, I had encountered many personality-type systems throughout different workplaces, but never one that spoke so boldly to my experience and truthfully to my heart.
Naturally, I fell headlong into its deep chasm of mystery, but I had the intuition to keep it light and experimental, remembering what I’ve learned about how we as humans end up utilizing systems. Even if a system is well thought out, organized, and grounded by core values, the system itself is only ever as expansive as a user’s awareness is. In my heart, I recognized how easily I could abuse the system by organizing myself and others into categories and little boxes - the antithesis of what I had set out to do, which was to free myself.
Then I was introduced to the Gene Keys, and the deep, dark jungle finally enveloped me in all of its wild, adventurous, mystical, and ancient archetypal pathways, and there I became a wanderer in earnest. As I expanded my awareness of archetypal patterns and feminine energy, I began to slow down. WAY down. I no longer valued moving fast and being on top of my competitive game, and with that my energetic pace and "quick wit" slackened. I realized they were a facade anyway only there in order for me to compete with the “best.” As it turned out I was exhausted from keeping up those appearances. My body, heart, and spirit were crying out for me to STOP being so inauthentic - to stop trying to prove my worthiness, please others all the time, and protect myself from uncertainty.
As I slowed down, not only did I find a more comfortable and natural rhythm, but I began witnessing how often my brain struggled with finding words in conversations with others because I didn’t know the word that corresponded with the energy I was sensing. I also found myself wanting to listen way more than talk - and even if I did have something to say, I wanted to communicate it through dance instead. Dance! That hadn’t come up in years. It was like I was learning another language. Words were becoming less important and yet increasingly more potent. I was learning that I best communicate through energy, and that too many words can even distract or overwhelm and confuse my ability to engage with energy. The funny part is I already knew energy was how I communicated, and had even expressed this quality about myself in the past. But since it wasn’t culturally approved, I expressed it as a frustration and thought it faulty wiring. But now, I was learning to see my ability to read energy as a gift not a negative trait. My “truth” was dissolving into my actual truth, and this is where I began to fall in love with myself.
It was liberating! Every day it mattered less and less what others thought of me, because I was beginning to replace their thoughts with my own. As I fell more in love with myself, I noticed my growing discernment around pain - what was mine and what was someone else’s. I started seeing that many of my personality traits deemed “too much” by others were actually projections of THEIR own fears and inadequacies. But I didn’t stop there. I contemplated my own reaction to their reactions - my extrapolations, feelings of shame and behaviors of sacrificing myself for the sake of others - and that is when things really opened up for me. I could see the mirror in which they were reflecting MY OWN feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Every time they shared a critical or negative opinion of me, they were solidifying a thought I already had about myself! It was stuck in a cycle of perpetual self-harm that only confirmed what I had known all along - I was unworthy of love and belonging - but that was beginning to change.
How did this new awareness evolve?
In fullest disclosure, there were other things happening in my life around this time that need to be stirred into this cauldron.
I was seeing a therapist. For years prior to this, I was in a committed relationship with a therapist processing trauma, healing my inner child, and practicing somatic body awareness (a critical skill on my journey). As I look back on it now, I realize how necessary a step this was so the next part of my path could unfold. My feelings of rage, sadness and betrayal overwhelmed me and prevented me from taking any responsibility for my patterns. Everything felt personal because it was! Their story had to be heard first.
I returned to nature. A couple of years earlier we had moved from the suburbs of Denver and were now living in a tiny house on wheels in an RV park in a woodland setting next to a river in the foothills of Northern Colorado. I had returned to my haven. Yes, I had to drive 2 hrs round trip to Denver a few days a week for my job, but I had returned home - to the natural world of my childhood. Here, I started reconnecting with my innocence.
I found clarity. Through an inner mentor ceremony, I had a vision where I met my future self, my soul-filled body. After that encounter, I found myself deeply motivated to take bold action in effort to realign with my soul and uncover my power and purpose. The movement I was making was challenging yet simple and easy. I knew this meant I was ready (enthusiastic even) to face myself with total and complete honesty - a necessary component of shadow work.
I changed how I was spending my time. One of the boldest actions I took was finding time on my calendar for me. Embodied as a woman, an Executive Director of a nonprofit, and a new mom, I found this task one of my most challenging, but I needed space to be on my own - to go within and connect with my inner guidance, exploring what I wanted to explore and how I wanted to explore it. I needed time to practice yoga and contemplation and to write love letters to myself. I needed the space to caress my heart, soften my belly, and strengthen my thighs in preparation for the next steps I was going to take.
Human Design and the Gene Keys then served as the bridge for my unfolding. They curated a space for me to explore, play, and conjure. Human Design opened my eyes so I could finally see my so-called “negative” traits were actually my gifts, and the Gene Keys showed me how deeply buried those treasures were and how fiercely loyal the dragons were who guarded them. And it did it so intuitively and convincingly that it was actually pleasurable getting intimate with it all. The consciousness expanding frequencies written throughout Gene Keys: Unlocking My Higher Purpose and all of its archetypal pathways (not only the ones in my profile) have offered so much grace to go gently and courageously into the darkness.
Be sure to check out part two of Falling Love with Myself where I go even deeper into the understory to reveal how by falling in love with myself and accepting and leaning into fear, my relationship with others began to transform. If you want to dive into the Gene Keys and Human Design and receive support so you can also fall in love with yourself, you can see how I work with others and connect with me here. I would love to support you.
