Today, I Fall into Winter

Image by Annie Spratt


Today, I fall…

Into Autumn deeper.

Into nourishing embraces.

Into imperfect action.

Into change.

Into a deep, dark well.

Into trusting I can hold the discomfort.

Today, I fall… 

Out of needing to be certain of anything.

Hello beautiful friends. Today, as I worked outside with my partner in the very cold Maine weather, I could feel the race I was in against time wondering which of us will end up arriving first - Winter or our preparations. As the pressure builds, I keep gently reminding myself I can release it through deep breath, gentleness, and intentional grounding, and through trusting that we can and will handle whatever challenges inevitably come our way. Living in relationship with the seasons includes suffering as well as freedom…the external is a fractal for the internal.

This whole past year has been representative of this balancing act as we moved away from our old life into our new - the balancing act between the big and small, creative and restful, serious and playful, control and surrender, giving and receiving, death and rebirth. By actively working to NOT rush through the discomfort can feel agonizing sometimes, but it also feels intuitively more sustainable in the end. Moving slowly and gently keeps the overwhelm, the fear, and apprehension at bay and with them the defense mechanisms that surely follow. There are a vast many things I have found to heal along the way, and one day, perhaps on my deathbed, I might finally see where it was all heading. But for now, I courageously transform within the shadows and the light without knowing where it is all headed. As I listen and lean into the grace all around me, and yes there is grace even in the midst of intense challenges, I can feel myself opening up once more to loving embrace. And I can feel how long it’s been since I have.

So I sit, breathe, observe, and recognize: It is going to take a great deal of perseverance and patience. More than we know we own. We often feel so inadequate, but I do not plan on giving up. I hope you will join me.

So Thank You Autumn! I see you and welcome your beautiful, fire-filled, grief-stricken, darkness-closing, harvest reaping, to-do list ticking, energy depleting, full-bellied, death rallying, decaying, feverish states.

Out of your ashes, I will arise anew. Out of your fire, everything will be reborn.

And yet, my fear is pretty intense today. 

I am afraid of doing nothing.

I am afraid of the certain uncertainty.

I am afraid of taking this moment to rest, relax, and move with ease.

Dare I say, I’m afraid to Winter.

I look at myself and allow my fear in. As I give each one a name, I feel the edges of acceptance. My mind is so desperate to keep me safe, trying to organize the chaos - the unorganizable - but, of course, it doesn’t know that. It seduces me into letting it drive by promising to predict the future and all the ways it can go dreadfully wrong. As we hit the open road, it tells me that taking the riskier path most assuredly means death. As I listen, my smile tugs at the corners of my mouth for I know now that it also means just as assuredly…life - as in me living MY life in the ways I am called toward - through my dreams, my imagination, my heart and my soul. And death will always arrive at the end. It arrives for all of us so why not live life to the utmost if we can. As I pause, it’s decided…it’s my body’s turn to drive. Immediately my feelings of being trapped release, because I am…one of the most resourceful people I know. I take a breath, and slip further into contemplation. 

Where did these fears start? I’m not really sure.

Were they always there? Feels like it. :)

What beliefs do I actually hold? This one seems to unlock it for me.

  • I believe making money has to be hard. Blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifice MUST be involved.

  • I can’t trust myself and the infinite abundance of resources all around me. I feel unworthy of it all so I struggle to actually let it in. So that I can actually receive its nourishment.

  • I see all of the pain and suffering in and around me, and still cannot yet see how joy and pain can possibly coexist without making it mean something about me.

As I dive even deeper into my contemplation, I can’t help but marvel at my deep, utterly sincere feelings of inadequacy even in the face of everything I have “accomplished” in my lifetime. And I know these feelings of inadequacy will keep coming back until I am able to transmute them. I know I am not alone in this. This is one of our greatest human challenges.

Why do I feel so Inadequate?  The answers come without much coaxing.

  • Because I have forgotten my true power.

  • Because I feel disconnected and separate from the whole.

  • Because frankly the whole feels like it’s on fire.

  • Because the pain feels far more than I can handle.

  • Because I know life is bigger than me and it’s hard for me to accept that all I can really DO is BE me.

  • Because there is a deeper force driving my own dissatisfaction so I will continue to grow and evolve.

  • Because I am afraid of standing in my own true power and taking the greatest risk of them all.

Do you feel inadequacy inside you? Do any of my possibilities resonate with you? I know I must lower my bucket into the deep well of darkness and trust that an answer will emerge with enough time. But in time for what? What can I do? As I continue my inward spiral, I look up and in my pause, I see the leaves falling gently from their trees. I feel the grief, but I see no grief. I know this is an inspiration for me to also shed and let go in order to weather the Winter season. Encouraged by their seeming effortlessness, I decide to try and shed my own leaves of limiting beliefs. I write them down on pieces of paper, and head outside to light a little fire. I gently release each limiting belief and watch it fall into the fire. 

  1. I let go of: Not being comfortable in my own power. I don’t need any more examples. I have a life full of them. I will never be certain of anything, least of all my future, so, it’s time for me to step into the uncertainty and trust I will know what to do.

  2. I let go of: Needing to “make” people feel comfortable. Like somehow I am simultaneously only worthy of their fear as well as thinking I can actually control them.

  3. I let go of: Feeling like I can’t be prosperous by taking care of myself AND pursuing my magic and purpose. Because I am.

As I shed my limiting beliefs with you as my witness, I also feel curious about you. Do you feel inspired by Autumn’s preparations for Winter? Are you making space for yourself and such deserved time? Are you following your urges and intuition or do you feel yourself unworthy of getting your needs filled? Are you terrified of Winter’s approach or have you already shed your own metaphorical leaves in preparation for its arrival? I look around and realize how completely normal it would be if you haven’t thought of any of this and are just trying to prepare yourself for the harried holiday season. Societally, this time of year can often feel in direct opposition to the cycles and rhythms of Mother Nature. 

“For many of us, the pace of the world makes it challenging to slow down and allow our bodies and minds time to become accustomed to the colder months. Electricity, lighting and central heating are all modern conveniences that make our Winters easier to survive, of course – but they also mask our inner signals to slow, rest and revive. I’m certain this is why many of us are left feeling low in the Winter months: the world keeps turning and we are expected to carry on at the same pace, lest we be left behind.”Rosie Steer, Slow Seasons

Have you been feeling open to (perhaps even being called by) the emerging essences of the Winter season? Have you been wondering what it might feel like to embrace the seasonal shifts rather than keeping up with the fast paced, highly productive heat waves? 

Winter is a time for diving inward and reflecting, connecting with nature and sunlight, gathering with community, and balancing shorter bursts of activity with prolonged periods of rest and relaxation and deep nourishment. If this were to be true for you, what would you need to shed in order to fall into Winter’s dark embrace? And which will arrive first, Winter or your preparations? It doesn’t have to be perfect. Dip a toe in and try. It can’t hurt, and you might find freedom.

If you would like someone to walk with as you go deeper into yourself and discover your purpose and magic, I’ve got you.

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Stepping Through Fear